Cooking Jokes
More jokes available in our newsletter.
Sorry for eating the peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
World religions
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.
At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.
The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."
Cindy's Cooking Diary
Dear Diary,
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls."
Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose."
Elephant Stew
1 elephant - medium size
Salt and pepper to taste
2 rabbits -optional
Brown gravy - lots
Cut elephant into small bite size pieces (this will take 2 months.) Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for 4 weeks at 450 F. This will serve 3,800 people.
If more are expected, the rabbits may be added. But do this only if necessary, as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.
Darlene Morton :)
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating
it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
One free mud pie recipe.
One day, I was walking along the sidewalk when I saw a small boy sitting in his yard making mud pies.
I remarked, "Those look pretty good."
"Yep", he said. "Wanna try one?"
I laughed and said "No, but I would like to buy the recipe." I was feeling good and thought that would please the small boy.
He was pleased and said "OK, I'll run into the house and write it for you and it will only be 5."
Well, 5 cents to please a small boy was fine with me so I said "Do it." He soon came running back out and handed me the recipe. I started to hand him the nickel but he wouldn't take it and started yelling for his mom. His mom came outside and asked what I was doing to her son. I started explaining about the deal. When I was through, she glared at me and said "
It's 5 dollars, not 5 cents."
Well, the kid was crying now, the neighbors were coming out of their houses and were staring at me, so I took out a 5 dollar
bill and threw it at the kid, grabbed the recipe and walked away.
After a few steps, I turned around and said "This is a rip off and I am going to share this recipe with everyone I know."
Well, the kid cried louder and the mother said "I wish you wouldn't do that."
"Too late for that, lady." I said.
So here it is, folks. One free mud pie recipe. Enjoy!
One cup dirt, sifted.
One cup water.
Mix well and spread on a paper plate.
Makes one.
Feel free to pass this on :)Forwarded by rupa@rupa.com (Rupa Schomaker)
From: W.E.MEANS.JR.@worldnet.att.net (Walter Means)
These are just adorable! We had to include this (long) set of responses from kids. Enjoy :)
Bret from cardboardcondo.com tips on love
Posted 3-20-2001 21:41
Tips on love. All questions were answered by kids
age 5 to 10.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have
to work anymore, and you can spend all your time
loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to
find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first
date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should
never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks
to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause
she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big
embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if
nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR
MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single but
not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up
after them." (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a
headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny,
7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO
PARTICULAR PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it
happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant
are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're
supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an
avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like
learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It
takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: "If you want
to be loved by somebody who isn't already in
your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look.
Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I
haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can
last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They
want to make sure their rings don't fall off
because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor
of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love
will find you, even if you are trying to hide
from it. I have been trying to hide from it since
I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love.
I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina,
10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD
LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a
check. Because even if you have tons of love,
there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE
WITH YOU: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch
of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things
like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as
love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl
out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes
to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT
A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man
picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love." (John, 9) "Lovers will just be
staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those
desserts that are on fire. They like to order
those because it's just like how their hearts
are on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I
LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking, Yeah, I
really do love him. But I hope he showers at
least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS: "You learn it right
on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best
of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap
operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never
okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you ... that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean,
10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your
time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget
that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
Chicken salad for two hundred
This recipe actually did exist! Any of you planning on having a big, BIG party? :)
Thirty chickens, cooked and cut medium fine, fifty heads of celery, two gallons of good strong vinegar, three pounds of light brown sugar, ten cents worth of yellow mustard, three pounds of butter, four dozen eggs, boiled hard.
Chop whites, and cream yolks with butter. Boil vinegar and sugar together, and skim; add the creamed butter and yolks; also, mustard, salt and pepper to taste; let stand until cold; then pour over the celery and chicken; mix thoroughly, and add the whites of eggs. If unable to get celery, use crisp cabbage, with ten cents worth of celery seed. If you use celery seed, boil it in the vinegar.
MRS. W. H. ECKHART.
More jokes available in our newsletter.